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Let's talk about coming out for a moment.
Oct. 1st, 2010 11:04 amI am having a slow day at work, so Facebook is eating my brain again. I think if I read one more thing about Tyler Clementi or any of the other victims in the latest cluster of bullying-related suicides, I will burst into tears. Or kill the next person through the door of the mapping office. Or both.
I think that a lot of straight people have no frickin' idea how scary the process of coming out can be. I can't think of any other rite of passage quite like it. The pressures that society puts on everyone to be straight are so pervasive & so subtle, that just getting to the point of realizing for yourself that, hey, maybe that's not me - that can take years. And during that whole time, there can be a constant sense of somehow being wrong, out of tune, deviant, or sick.
Then you finally start to realize or suspect that you're not what everyone is telling you that you are supposed to be. You're a girl, but you don't really like boys - you like girls. Internally, this feels true, but there's a long road of reconciliation between this inner truth & the outside expectations of heterosexual conformity. Depending on your upbringing, there can also be a tremendous backload of internalized homophobia to process as well. There are real risks & sacrifices involved in coming out - especially if you come from a conservative family. The day I came out to my parents, I had my bags packed in my car - with the car pointing down the driveway in case I needed to make a quick getaway. And my parents were totally, 100% supportive of me! Imagine how much more fear a child of truly conservative parents would feel. And then on top of that, you are:
I have been trying to come up with an analogy for coming out - & mostly failing. But here's a thought-experiment. Imagine an auditorium filled with all your family, friends, & co-workers. If you're religious, add everyone from your place of worship. If you're on a sports team, add everyone from the locker room. If you're a teacher, add all the parents of your students. If you have access to health care, add your doctor(s). Add a military recruiter, some suspicious cops, & maybe a disapproving old lady from next door. You may even want to add Fred Phelps & the National Organization for Marriage & Fox News commentators & a row of politicians to the mix (because it's their right to be up in your business too). Now, jump up there on the podium aaaaaaaaand....
I think that a lot of straight people have no frickin' idea how scary the process of coming out can be. I can't think of any other rite of passage quite like it. The pressures that society puts on everyone to be straight are so pervasive & so subtle, that just getting to the point of realizing for yourself that, hey, maybe that's not me - that can take years. And during that whole time, there can be a constant sense of somehow being wrong, out of tune, deviant, or sick.
Then you finally start to realize or suspect that you're not what everyone is telling you that you are supposed to be. You're a girl, but you don't really like boys - you like girls. Internally, this feels true, but there's a long road of reconciliation between this inner truth & the outside expectations of heterosexual conformity. Depending on your upbringing, there can also be a tremendous backload of internalized homophobia to process as well. There are real risks & sacrifices involved in coming out - especially if you come from a conservative family. The day I came out to my parents, I had my bags packed in my car - with the car pointing down the driveway in case I needed to make a quick getaway. And my parents were totally, 100% supportive of me! Imagine how much more fear a child of truly conservative parents would feel. And then on top of that, you are:
- putting yourself at risk of bashing;
- putting yourself at risk of being fired - just for being gay (legal in 28 states!);
- putting yourself at risk of being assumed to be HIV-positive, or a man-hating Amazon;
- giving up the chance to serve openly in the military (a deep sacrifice AND a loss of opportunity for some); &
- having to tell people something deeply personal while knowing their first reaction might very well be "Ewww, disgusting!!!"
I have been trying to come up with an analogy for coming out - & mostly failing. But here's a thought-experiment. Imagine an auditorium filled with all your family, friends, & co-workers. If you're religious, add everyone from your place of worship. If you're on a sports team, add everyone from the locker room. If you're a teacher, add all the parents of your students. If you have access to health care, add your doctor(s). Add a military recruiter, some suspicious cops, & maybe a disapproving old lady from next door. You may even want to add Fred Phelps & the National Organization for Marriage & Fox News commentators & a row of politicians to the mix (because it's their right to be up in your business too). Now, jump up there on the podium aaaaaaaaand....
