Ang's Journal

"All women are beautiful," said Istvhan, dismissing this. "It is the job of their lovers to make them feel that way if they do not already."

-- Paladian's Grace by T. Kingfisher

I am reading a book right now called Hello I Want To Die Please Fix Me: Depression in the First Person by Anna Mehler Paperny, & it's been a looooong time since a book creeped me out so much by being MY OWN STORY so strongly. I seriously could've written entire chapters of this other woman's memoir. I haven't finished yet, but this is likely to go on my "Recommend to All" book list. If you've ever wondered what serious, life-threatening, suicide-inducing depression feels like, read this book. If it sounds familiar, at least you will know that you aren't alone. If it doesn't, thank your lucky fucking stars.

Alan & I have started watching the series Yellowstone & it's pretty good. We are just starting Season 2. Great cast, pretty setting, decent writing. Kevin Costner's character, John Dutton, is an extra-evil, Hollywood version of my uncle Paul - including all his screwed-up relationships with his children. The show's soundtrack is excellent, featuring several songs by Ryan Bingham, who also is in the cast. I made a Spotify radio station based on the Yellowstone soundtrack & it's mostly feeding me bluegrass & spirituals. I'm countrifying!

I have been using a ResMed AirSense 11 APAP machine for just over a week. It is making a huge difference in my sleep. While awake, I've noticed much less drowsiness while driving (a huge health & safety plus right there, folks!). I also have more energy in the afternoons, & I wake up ready to get out of bed. That being said, I'm also sleeping longer hours. I feel like my body is trying to make up for years of bad sleep. I've also had some vivid dreams that I remember (briefly) upon awakening. I take this as a sign that my brain is spending more time in the REM stage of sleep. I hope it's also more able to clean out plaques & do all the other brain-maintenance tasks that are supposed to happen during Snooze Time.

Sleep: So last night, I did the SAME THING as the night before – hot shower right before bed. Fell asleep around 10:30 PM, but woke up at 4:15 AM & stayed awake. I finally gave up & got up around 6:15 AM. 5¾ hours of sleep ain’t gonna cut it. I feel out of it.

Program: Went to the 7 AM meeting this morning & was thoroughly annoyed by the experience. Came home & prayed on my knees after eating some breakfast.

Work: I didn’t go to work today – not enough sleep. Mental health day.

Food: I had early coffee w/cream, then ate keto casserole & drank a big mug of bone broth around 9 AM. Then around 2 PM I went to Park Tavern & had a burger, a devil on horseback, sweet potato fries, & a Coke. At book club this evening, I had hot chocolate & a cookie. Keto fail. Alas.

Exercise: I was discombobulated when I finally got up, & couldn’t remember what my workout plan was for today. I decided to walk to & from York Street. 6,440 steps / 62 minutes active. No formal workout, but I did see Dr. Spallone. He did some massive adjustments to my left elbow, left shoulder, both scapulae, upper back, & neck. It sounded like a string of firecrackers. Then I did some nerve rebuilding (the electrified gloves). My neck & back feel much, much better, but I have a headache.

Mood: Very low mood today. I burned all my energy making it to the meeting, making it through the meeting, & making it home. I feel better after the adjustment, just very tired.

Grats: 1. Neck & back feel much, much better after adjustment. 2. Book club was lovely, as always. 3. I have my doggos back for a week!

This weekend has been somber, but the fact of the matter is, life does continue. To quote Watership Down again, "Would that the dead were not dead!" But life is still here & must be lived - to do otherwise does no honour to the dead & does great dishonour to the living. So.

Yesterday I distracted myself from the realization that I was missing Mark's funeral with relentless work. All assignments that are due this week: done. Bank account: balanced. Room: cleaned. Laundry: finished. I was a whirling dervish, never settling for more than five minutes, because every time I did so, I'd feel my brain start to close down ... so move, move, MOVE. It worked, sort of. I finally fell asleep around 2:00 AM.

Today, I went to a new church, Kirk'O'Fields Parish Church, which is right down the street from my hall. It was so much better than St Giles. True, it was tiny, & true, the congregation was small, but at least a dozen people introduced themselves to me, as did the pastor, & they have Bible study classes, & they sang hymns in English instead of Latin .... much better experience. I prayed for Mark's family & friends & felt genuine relief & healing in doing so.

Then, since the day was so beautiful, Selina (who lives on my floor) & I decided to hike up Arthur's Seat, the peak that totally dominates the eastern skyline of Edinburgh. We made it to the top, with assistance (& interference, depending on which direction we were facing) from the relentless wind. The wind is also responsible for my avant-garde hairstyle.


Caption: Mary Poppins would be in Norway by now.

OK, if you don't know who Neil Gaiman is ...
1) Bitchslap yourself while saying, "I am an ignoramus who has overlooked one of the most creative authors working during my lifetime."
2) Check out his blog, officialgaiman
3) Run, don't walk, to your local comic book store & buy Sandman collections 1 through 10.
4) Your next assignment will be given to you upon receipt of your book report on Sandman. If you are now a goody two-shoe N.G. overachiever, you can work ahead of the syllabus by reading American Gods.

However, if you do know who Neil Gaiman is ...
1) Comment on this post to tell me what is your favorite N.G. work.
2) Envy chaosvizier & me, because we met him in New York City last month, got some autographs, & had our photo taken with him!!!! ( The photo is loading really slowly so it's going behind a cut )