angledge: (polar bear facepaw)
Sometimes there is a word in one language that doesn't really have a direct, word-to-word translation to another language. It's like one group of language users found a need for expressing a particular concept, made a word to express that concept, but other groups of language users never got around to that specific concept. So if you're speaking one of the languages that is missing that word, you have to borrow.

German language speakers seem to have covered a bunch of concepts that English speakers somehow missed. And today the word I need to borrow is Weltschmerz. Literally, I think it translates as "world pain", but it is used to mean: "profound depression regarding the human condition or the state of the world".

Today I have Weltschmerz. I have lost faith in humanity, both in most of the individual instances of the species & in our collective institutions. We aren't going to treat each other with decency & kindness. We aren't going to address climate change. We aren't going to prioritize healing over warfare. We aren't going to learn the lessons taught by history. We are cruel, petty, vicious, untruthful, & deeply sick. We deserve to die. We don't deserve to take our entire biosphere down with us, but we probably will. We will cause each other immeasurable misery, destroy uncountable wealth, & fight each other to our final breaths over the last tattered scraps of Eden.

At the last church service I attended, my pastor preached that we need an apocalypse. Apocalypse, he said, strips away all falsities & shows all things as they really, truly, fundamentally are. When apocalypse comes, you can't argue any more about data, or the liberal media, or gaslighting, or bias -- because those things are all swept away in an overwhelming flood of Truth, pure & undiluted. Shit gets really Real. I want that. I am so tired of doubting my own sanity because basic facts are being debated. I am so worn down with trying to convince people (including myself) that their own self-interest is not the highest good. I am so weary of trying to determine how I - a mote, a speck - can make the slightest difference with my actions.

How I am supposed to care about my retirement plan, or exercise goals, or relationships, or spiritual path, when it all seems so pointless?
angledge: (polar bear paw)
About to go climbing.

Today was frustrating. I couldn't make progress on my unemployment claim. I thought I had a laptop being delivered, but no. I arranged my whole week to be home today to get that laptop, for nothing. I also found out that S* is still on my credit union account, even though we turned in the paperwork to have her removed months ago. ARGH.

But. I went to AA this morning. I walked Shadeaux & she got to play with a pair of cattle dogs. I ate three delicious, nourishing meals, including poached salmon for dinner that I made this afternoon. This *DESPITE* having pizza in the house. And I'm going to go climbing. 3/181.

Take that, stupid bureaucracies of the world.
angledge: (polar bear paw)
Sleep: again not good. I'm stressed about my job & it's starting to eat at me at all hours.

Breakfast: S&SBC, grapefruit, Bloodless coffee.

Snack: tuna cake & coconut cream Larabar. I'm just gonna finish off the evil things & then not buy them again until I have a genuine need for them.

2:00 PM snack: All right, I'm eating emotionally, I'm wallowing in a deep Bad Mood, so today is the day to reintroduce dairy. A BIG OLE MUG of sugary, milky Scottish breakfast tea & A WHOLE FREAKIN' 2.5-OZ. BAR of Mast Brothers cow milk chocolate. You want to know something?? I would've thought that, after 42 days (SIX WEEKS) without a proper cuppa OR a nibble of chocolate, that the two of these things together would've transported me directly to Heaven. Not so. The tea is good. The chocolate was nice. But they weren't nearly as good as I thought they'd be. Even 60% cacao chocolate tastes weirdly sweet, & I didn't really like the sugar in the tea, either. Now, this may be because I'm in an unredeemable Bad Mood today, but it might be that my taste buds have adjusted to a no-sweetener palate.

I also ate the last two apple pie Larabars at some point in the afternoon. Now my house is Larabar-free. It should stay that way.

5:00 PM: I have a mild case of heartburn. I never have heartburn. I also had a brief sensation of light-headedness with a racing heart earlier this afternoon. But that might've been the sugar, or the 76 mg of caffeine from the chocolate plus the 40-50 mg of caffeine from the breakfast tea. I've not been consuming much caffeine, so that was probably a bit of a rev for the heart.

Went out to the GOT Premiere last night, so dinner was an Epic lamb bar.
angledge: (Default)
Last week was a very slow work week for me, five days straight in the office. I didn't really have enough to do, so I came home early (around 3:00 PM) on Friday, planning to rest & relax out on the balcony & spend the last couple of work hours "working from home" (one of my favorite office lies).

Instead when I got home I found a "Notice of Lease Violation" tacked to my front door. According to this note, I never told the apartment management that I have a dog. Some background here: [livejournal.com profile] hotpantsgalore is good friends with M*, who was the property manager at our apartment complex when we moved in. M* gave us a sweetheart deal on our apartment, with our rent set at least $300 below market rate. We are paying $650/month for a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom apartment that's about 900 sf. However, M* also short-cut us through a lot of the application paperwork, & we - not being anxious to look a gift horse in the mouth - probably didn't pay too much attention to which boxes we were checking "Yes" or "No".

Well, that lapse has now come back to bit us in the butts, because M* is no longer the property manager & the new management is starting to enforce everyone's leases - to the letter. We now owe a $200 pet fee (not a pet deposit; this money is nonrefundable); our rent is being raised $10/month, & we owe a $100 penalty for the lease violation. Considering the low rent we pay, we're still way ahead on the deal. But an unexpected $300 charge is never welcome.

Just a couple of days after that, we celebrated Shadeaux's first birthday on May 1st. Since she's a rescue, we have no idea on what day she was actually born. But we got her in mid-June last year, & when we took her in for her inital checkup, the vet said she appeared to be about six weeks old. Mid-June minus six weeks = born on May Day. So Happy Birthday to Shadeaux-Boxer, the de facto ruler of our household. Getting her has been one of the best things that happened in the last year. She's added so much fun & love to our little family.

It's probably because I love my own dog so much that I got sucked into yesterday's madness. I looked out from-
You know what? There's a long version & a short version of this last story. Here's the short version. Last night my neighbor N* (V*'s mom) & I captured two stray dogs that were running around in our apartment complex. We couldn't get Animal Control to pick them up (it was too late in the day), so the dogs spent last night on N*'s porch. Where they barked. All. Night. Long. No good deed goes unpunished.
angledge: (polar bear paw)
OK, Im drunk. Stacy is asleep. I'm drunk & angry, I might add. In case you haven't noticed, my entries lately have been mostly accompanied by bad-mood emoticons (even if the anxious one doesn't really look very anxious, I've been plently anxious).

Something. Is. Wrong. Something big. I'm either too afraid to confront it or too stupid to identify it. FUCK.
angledge: (polar bear paw)
Stacy hasn't been able to get any reasonably priced transportation to Greenville. USAir: $1,000 round trip for Philly to Greenville (I point out, with some acerbity, that Philly to London is currently $350). Amtrak: sold out. United: $897 round trip Baltimore to Asheville, NC. See, we were being creative. I've tried Travelocity. I've tried cheaptickets.com. Right now, we're holding out hope for priceline.com to come through. Otherwise ... no visit for me this weekend. And that possibility makes me a saaad panda.

While I'm waiting for Priceline's answer, I'm messing around with Friendster. [livejournal.com profile] effrontery, [livejournal.com profile] fizrep & [livejournal.com profile] chaosvizier, please approve me as a friend, m'kay? Everyone else: if you want to add me, my name is Angela Ledgerwood. There, it's out there now!!

UPDATE: let's hear it for Priceline! She'll be here Friday.
angledge: (polar bear paw)
OK, so I missed a few days.

Friday night )

Saturday )

Sunday )

Monday )

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