angledge | The Royal Pain-in-the-Ass Bank of Scotland

Case in point: opening my bank account. I decided that the fastest way to get my finances moved from the US to the UK would be to cash out my American checking account to a cashier's check, which I would then hand over to fund my new British account. The theory here is that a cashier's check is basically the equivalent of cash, but safer to carry around than $30,000 in benjamins. So last Tuesday, I skivved off of orientation & went to the Royal Bank of Scotland to take care of this. They assured me that they would open the account as quickly as possible ... in about a week.

A WEEK?!? To open an account?! I didn't bring a lot of actual cash with me, & I was quickly running out of those handy little pound coins. Furthermore, the US dollar is weakening against the pound sterling right now; a week's delay in exchanging the currency could've cost me a fairly substantial amount. To which the banker tutted & sympathised, but nothing can be done. She mentioned that I would have to bring a receipt to the bank at some point to show that I'd paid my tuition in order to assure that I qualified for the student account.

Whatever. So I go back today (walking rather stiffly because of my back), only to find out that they haven't processed a DAMN THING YET. They were waiting for me to bring in my receipt showing my tuition was paid before opening the account. I asked, very evenly, "How am I supposed to pay for it when I don't have a British account yet?" The banker had the grace to look abashed, but she said that the University would be willing to let me matriculate & give me a bill, which I could then bring in, at which point they could give me my money.

I exploded. I told them that since I had given them a check, a week ago, worth $30,000, they could damn well give me back an equivalent number of pounds, & what I decided to spend it on - tuition or something else - was none of their damn business. I showed her my student ID card, & my letter of admission, & my course enrollment schedule, & said that those should suffice to prove that I qualified for the student account. I further said that I would be perfectly willing to bring in the receipt for my paid tuition as soon as I had it, but by God there's no reason the bank needed it before they'd give me access to my own ... fucking ... money!

Suddenly I was whisked away to a back room, where a branch manager sat & explained to me that ahhh, the bank understands. I'm an unusual situation, you see. Everything's fine, we're setting up your account right now, please accept our apologies, & please don't withdraw your money. So now I've got a bankcard & a book of checks, & the Royal Bank of Scotland better not fuck with me again.