Treading water.
Jan. 3rd, 2012 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angledgeI just tweeted “Still haven't made any #resolutions for 2011. This is what is wrong with my life these days - no direction.”
Overlooking the obvious calendrical typo (etcet pointed it out in approximately 45 seconds), this is the biggest problem I’ve got right now. I am underutilized at work – but not particularly worried about it (whether or not that’s wise is another post altogether). I am doing a terrible job of preparing for next month’s triathlon in Corpus Christi. I am not cooking very frequently. I am not doing much volunteer work. I’m not even reading much new material.
A lot of the year has been consumed by money worries – not without reason, I may add. I am my family’s single income earner (outside of the seasonal peach bonanza) & have been for over three years. So it is with cause that I worried about every cent during 2011. This penny-pinching mentality definitely contributed to me pulling in my horns a bit – it’s not impossible to be outgoing, charitable, artistic, well-read, &/or athletic without spending money, but it is harder.
I have also developed a terrible habit of living throughhotpantsgalore. She's working towards her graduate degree... & somehow that massive goal is my goal? I take pride in her accomplishments? While it's true that I am helping her make it through grad school (see earlier, "my family's single income earner"), this does not mean that her accomplishments are mine to claim. And yet I feel that I have submerged any desires of my own beneath the generalized idea of "just keep everything together until June 2013, when we will become a two-income family again". But that's no way to live - especially not for five years (2008-2013).
I think that the problem is a lack of long-term goals. Where do I want to be in five years? Ten years? I have said repeatedly over the last few years that I threw away my crystal ball because trying to predict where my life was going was impossible. Perhaps this was a poor decision. When I stopped trying to predict, did I also stop trying to influence or even control where my own life is going? If I've abdicated that responsibility, should I be surprised that I am adrift?
Overlooking the obvious calendrical typo (
etcet pointed it out in approximately 45 seconds), this is the biggest problem I’ve got right now. I am underutilized at work – but not particularly worried about it (whether or not that’s wise is another post altogether). I am doing a terrible job of preparing for next month’s triathlon in Corpus Christi. I am not cooking very frequently. I am not doing much volunteer work. I’m not even reading much new material.A lot of the year has been consumed by money worries – not without reason, I may add. I am my family’s single income earner (outside of the seasonal peach bonanza) & have been for over three years. So it is with cause that I worried about every cent during 2011. This penny-pinching mentality definitely contributed to me pulling in my horns a bit – it’s not impossible to be outgoing, charitable, artistic, well-read, &/or athletic without spending money, but it is harder.
I have also developed a terrible habit of living through
hotpantsgalore. She's working towards her graduate degree... & somehow that massive goal is my goal? I take pride in her accomplishments? While it's true that I am helping her make it through grad school (see earlier, "my family's single income earner"), this does not mean that her accomplishments are mine to claim. And yet I feel that I have submerged any desires of my own beneath the generalized idea of "just keep everything together until June 2013, when we will become a two-income family again". But that's no way to live - especially not for five years (2008-2013). I think that the problem is a lack of long-term goals. Where do I want to be in five years? Ten years? I have said repeatedly over the last few years that I threw away my crystal ball because trying to predict where my life was going was impossible. Perhaps this was a poor decision. When I stopped trying to predict, did I also stop trying to influence or even control where my own life is going? If I've abdicated that responsibility, should I be surprised that I am adrift?
