Lesson No. 1 in Ang Management
Sep. 8th, 2003 10:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angledgeThis is a really obnoxious post. I'm feeling a bit unglued by the return of the evil nightmare, & therefore even more needy than usual. I've disabled posts because I don't want anyone to feel obligated to post a cheer-up message. OK, here's the first lesson: One of the largest system flaws in the current version of Ang is that there is an evil goblin who lives in her head. This goblin likes to tell Ang that she's stupid, useless, weak, unaccomplished, boring, ugly, burdensome, & untalented. On bad days, Ang listens to this goblin, & this causes her to become profoundly depressed. The only known counteragent to the whispered malice of the goblin is affirmation from others (a poor system to be sure, much less reliable than self-affirmation, but this version of Ang has a weak self-affirmation subroutine which cannot be relied upon for goblin counteraction). Ang requires affirmation of her worthwhileness on an appallingly regular basis. The strongest goblin antidotes are affirmations from (in descending order): Ang's significant other (too bad Stacy doesn't have a LJ); Ang's parents (HA! The Lil' Lucy Woman blogging); Ang's boss or co-workers (who knows why they rate; it must be some sort of authority-figure thing); Ang's friends.
Now, here's the problem right now: Stacy, while very loving, is not one for handing out many compliments. I know that the reason is that she's just sparing with words, but the goblin in my brain prefers to interpret her silence as veiled disgust. My parents are currently absorbed with their own lives. I don't have any authority figures at the moment (since I'm not working nor yet in school). So that leaves my friends. My poor, overburdened friends, who do wonders already for system maintenance. I cannot ask for more from them (thus, disabled comments).
I can't tell Stacy. I'm trying so hard to make our last two weeks together wonderful, fun, strong ... worth saving. She's stressing over our upcoming separation already &, as I described in several previous posts, I feel that I've imposed on her tremendously this summer & do not feel that I have the right to ask more of her. While she's told me that she doesn't agree with that assessment, it's hard to believe her when the goblin is performing his brain surgery. Also, I haven't really discussed with her in detail my previous bouts with depression, & I just don't think this is the time to bring it up. (OK, I'm chicken.)
So I'm just going to try to ride it out for the next couple of weeks. The goblin comes & goes, & big, exciting changes usually scare him off for a while. So I just have to make it through the next two weeks, & then the beginning of the Scotland Adventure should banish him for a while.
I think it helps just to write it down & get it out of my head.
song lyrics
Now, here's the problem right now: Stacy, while very loving, is not one for handing out many compliments. I know that the reason is that she's just sparing with words, but the goblin in my brain prefers to interpret her silence as veiled disgust. My parents are currently absorbed with their own lives. I don't have any authority figures at the moment (since I'm not working nor yet in school). So that leaves my friends. My poor, overburdened friends, who do wonders already for system maintenance. I cannot ask for more from them (thus, disabled comments).
I can't tell Stacy. I'm trying so hard to make our last two weeks together wonderful, fun, strong ... worth saving. She's stressing over our upcoming separation already &, as I described in several previous posts, I feel that I've imposed on her tremendously this summer & do not feel that I have the right to ask more of her. While she's told me that she doesn't agree with that assessment, it's hard to believe her when the goblin is performing his brain surgery. Also, I haven't really discussed with her in detail my previous bouts with depression, & I just don't think this is the time to bring it up. (OK, I'm chicken.)
So I'm just going to try to ride it out for the next couple of weeks. The goblin comes & goes, & big, exciting changes usually scare him off for a while. So I just have to make it through the next two weeks, & then the beginning of the Scotland Adventure should banish him for a while.
I think it helps just to write it down & get it out of my head.
song lyrics
