Treading water.
Jan. 3rd, 2012 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angledgeI just tweeted “Still haven't made any #resolutions for 2011. This is what is wrong with my life these days - no direction.”
Overlooking the obvious calendrical typo (etcet pointed it out in approximately 45 seconds), this is the biggest problem I’ve got right now. I am underutilized at work – but not particularly worried about it (whether or not that’s wise is another post altogether). I am doing a terrible job of preparing for next month’s triathlon in Corpus Christi. I am not cooking very frequently. I am not doing much volunteer work. I’m not even reading much new material.
A lot of the year has been consumed by money worries – not without reason, I may add. I am my family’s single income earner (outside of the seasonal peach bonanza) & have been for over three years. So it is with cause that I worried about every cent during 2011. This penny-pinching mentality definitely contributed to me pulling in my horns a bit – it’s not impossible to be outgoing, charitable, artistic, well-read, &/or athletic without spending money, but it is harder.
I have also developed a terrible habit of living throughhotpantsgalore. She's working towards her graduate degree... & somehow that massive goal is my goal? I take pride in her accomplishments? While it's true that I am helping her make it through grad school (see earlier, "my family's single income earner"), this does not mean that her accomplishments are mine to claim. And yet I feel that I have submerged any desires of my own beneath the generalized idea of "just keep everything together until June 2013, when we will become a two-income family again". But that's no way to live - especially not for five years (2008-2013).
I think that the problem is a lack of long-term goals. Where do I want to be in five years? Ten years? I have said repeatedly over the last few years that I threw away my crystal ball because trying to predict where my life was going was impossible. Perhaps this was a poor decision. When I stopped trying to predict, did I also stop trying to influence or even control where my own life is going? If I've abdicated that responsibility, should I be surprised that I am adrift?
Overlooking the obvious calendrical typo (
etcet pointed it out in approximately 45 seconds), this is the biggest problem I’ve got right now. I am underutilized at work – but not particularly worried about it (whether or not that’s wise is another post altogether). I am doing a terrible job of preparing for next month’s triathlon in Corpus Christi. I am not cooking very frequently. I am not doing much volunteer work. I’m not even reading much new material.A lot of the year has been consumed by money worries – not without reason, I may add. I am my family’s single income earner (outside of the seasonal peach bonanza) & have been for over three years. So it is with cause that I worried about every cent during 2011. This penny-pinching mentality definitely contributed to me pulling in my horns a bit – it’s not impossible to be outgoing, charitable, artistic, well-read, &/or athletic without spending money, but it is harder.
I have also developed a terrible habit of living through
hotpantsgalore. She's working towards her graduate degree... & somehow that massive goal is my goal? I take pride in her accomplishments? While it's true that I am helping her make it through grad school (see earlier, "my family's single income earner"), this does not mean that her accomplishments are mine to claim. And yet I feel that I have submerged any desires of my own beneath the generalized idea of "just keep everything together until June 2013, when we will become a two-income family again". But that's no way to live - especially not for five years (2008-2013). I think that the problem is a lack of long-term goals. Where do I want to be in five years? Ten years? I have said repeatedly over the last few years that I threw away my crystal ball because trying to predict where my life was going was impossible. Perhaps this was a poor decision. When I stopped trying to predict, did I also stop trying to influence or even control where my own life is going? If I've abdicated that responsibility, should I be surprised that I am adrift?
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no subject
Date: 2012-01-03 07:59 pm (UTC)So! When is it that you feel most alive? What of your own activities would you like to take pride in?
Many blessings as you figure this out!
When is it that you feel most alive? What of your own activities would you like to take pride in?
Date: 2012-01-03 09:13 pm (UTC)The first kind includes throwing parties, having people over for dinner, participating in organizations, & going to events. The second kind includes volunteering, doing my job (cleaning up the environment), & participating in our democracy. These two things can overlap.
I feel more alive (in a fairly biological sense) when I remember to eat well & get enough sleep & exercise. Taking care of my health also gives me the energy to socialize & do good things.
Re: When is it that you feel most alive? What of your own activities would you like to take pride in
Date: 2012-01-03 09:48 pm (UTC)(The questions, by the way, are adapted from Dignity Therapy, which includes questions I've started to use when engaging patients in life review. I think, though, that asking the questions in a present-tense way is good for aiding discernment. That is, while in life review people try to make meaning of the lives they've lived, asking the questions ahead of time might help with creating meaningful lives as we live them.)
no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 10:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 10:26 pm (UTC)