Update on my political disagreements with my husband.

[angledge]

I should've written this two weeks ago. I had a huge crying blowout with A*, not long after I posted my last post here. I more-or-less spewed that rant at him, particularly the part where I said that it hurt to know he didn't believe in climate change. He was... bewildered, to put it mildly. And he stopped me in my tracks by pointing out that he had never heard my arguments on climate change... because we have an agreement in our marriage that we do not discuss politics.

I felt a little stupid at that point.

So then I said, I would like to tell you why I believe in climate change & why it's the major driver of my voting decisions. But in the interest of fairness, is there a single topic that you think I'm misunderstanding that you would want to explain to me? And he said, I'm not trying to change you.

I felt a little horrible at that point.

We do have an agreement - no politics. He's abiding by it & I'm not. He knows I don't share his views & he loves me anyway. Why am I struggling so much to embrace that same attitude?

Comments

[altamira16]

I am seeing marriages where people differ politically on major issues, but I am skeptical of that path as various folks keep making my ability to live on planet earth a political issue. I think we can differ on more minor issues, but the major ones are important.

You are struggling to embrace the same attitude because the people who can be indifferent to politics are not the people being asked to suffer the consequences of outcomes of the political stances. If there was a law in effect that said, "Yes, women can now hunt men for sport and get $5 for every ear that they bring back," surely he would want to talk to SOMEONE about it.

At which point you would say, "Sorry, there are no political discussions in our marriage."

[angledge]

I agree that it's easier to abide by a no-politics-discussion rule when your major voting drivers are economic or something else less personal. I have pointed out the consequences that may be coming for queer & trans people by naming names of my friends, people he knows. He says I'm catastrophizing. And then the not-allowed-anyway political discussion ends. I have pointed out that tariffs on Mexico & expelling 10 million people will cause food prices to skyrocket & he says I don't know that is what will happen. And then the not-allowed-anyway political discussion ends!

More & more, I have realized that I can't ever point to an example of where I successfully changed anyone's mind on any political issue, ever. I don't seem to have the gift of persuasive argument. So, with the understanding that it is Mission Fucking Impossible to bring our political views into alignment, I have had to decide - over & over again - that my marriage is still a good idea. And - it absolutely is. We are a really great couple, we adore each other, we uplift each other, we function well together. So I'm not going to torch the cornerstone relationship in my life because I can't win an unwinnable fight.

I'll keep donating to my causes, I will keep working for my local election board to make sure the voting process is intact, & I'll keep offsetting his vote with mine.

[altamira16]

If he is not participating in grocery shopping, consider having him do some of it. Ask him how much eggs were every week.

[angledge]

Because I want to start a fight every week. "The price of eggs" is a politically-laden phrase.

Instead, I will keep reviewing our monthly expenditures on all groceries, which we have always done.

[shirenomad]

You're struggling because it's NOT politics to you, it is literally your job. You know what you do is based on fact, that it is proven, and yet your husband, by categorizing it as political in the first place, is saying that "everything you do at work is bogus" is a valid position. A position he holds, and is actively blocking your attempts to talk him out of.

If you were a doctor, and he considered vaccines (or other medical procedures) political, it would be the same problem. Same if you were a geographer and he didn't want you to try to convince him that the world wasn't flat. Or, to flip it around, if you were a Christian preacher, and he were an atheist, it would be unsustainable for him to say "I don't want discuss politics" and say that belief in Christ was political.

I don't know what A* does for a living, but he might grasp your frustration if you ask him what he'd think if you considered the importance of his position a matter of opinion (or an outright con) and didn't want to be told otherwise.