Mother's Day, Southern style

[angledge]

In order to fulfill my duties as a daughter, I telephoned the Lil’ Lucy Woman yesterday for Mother’s Day. A portion of the conversation went thusly:

LLW: Your brother got me a really nice present.
AL: Oh really?
LLW: Yes – he bought me a pellet gun!
AL: ...
LLW: From Wal-Mart.
AL: Mom, why do you need a pellet gun?
LLW: I’m sick of those darn grackles eating all the birdseed I put out for the song birds! Now I can shoot them from the back porch!
AL: Let’s review for a moment … you put out birdseed?
LLW: Yes.
AL: Specifically to attract birds?
LLW: Yes!
AL: And when they come near the back porch, you’re going to shoot them? Why is this a good idea again?
LLW: Honey, grackles aren’t birds! They’re varmints!
AL: I think a pellet gun is a bit of an overkill response.
LLW: Well, I talked to my mom today & she says Daddy uses a shotgun on the blackbirds that steal from his feeders!
AL: Mom, you still having trouble getting your vision corrected?
LLW: A little bit.
AL: Well, it would be sporting of you to at least warn Dad not to wear black in the backyard.

Comments

[gutbloom.livejournal.com]

Your mother is right. Grackles ain't birds, they're varmints.

But my concern is ...

[angledge.livejournal.com]

My mother is also visually-challenged to a large degree, so what she sees as "grackles" could be "oh, just about anything".

Re: But my concern is ...

[gutbloom.livejournal.com]

That pellet gun isn't going to hurt anything you care about... unless, of course, you care about cats.

Re: But my concern is ...

[kwokj.livejournal.com]

uh, what about eyes?

Re: But my concern is ...

[gutbloom.livejournal.com]

Well, yea, eyes too.

LJ friends, fret not (so much).

[angledge.livejournal.com]

My dad, bless his self-preserving heart, is unlikely to let my mother stand out on the back porch, blazing away at all & sundry. While I still think my brother seriously needs his head examined for choosing such a gift, I don't think anything bad will really come out of it.

[kwokj.livejournal.com]

*retrieves jaw from lap*

holy shit.

[gravitygirl07.livejournal.com]

I love you so much right now.

aren't you sweet?

[angledge.livejournal.com]

*adds gravitygirl07 to my fangrrl collection*

Re: aren't you sweet?

[gravitygirl07.livejournal.com]

heh

[thereject.livejournal.com]

Your family is cool.

[effrontery.livejournal.com]

That whole conversation is f-ing hilarious!!

Thanks!

[angledge.livejournal.com]

I will admit that it is not a perfect transcript. I did take a few writer's liberties with the conversation, but overall, that's what I said & what she said.

The South has assimilated my family. Woe, woe unto me!

Corrections from the 'rents

[angledge.livejournal.com]

Spider-Dad read this entry, but sent me his comment in an email instead of posting it, for he is not yet wise in the ways of blogging. A transcript:

[ang] So here's a link to my LiveJournal post regarding her pellet gun purchase ... disclaimer: yes, I did take a few "artistic liberties" with the conversation. But I think the spirit of the whole exchange is authentically captured.
[Spider-Dad] Ty didn't get her the BB pistol for Mothers Day -- I DID.
[ang] Like I said .... creative liberties!! However, that makes you twice as insane. You KNOW how bad her eyesight is. AND you're going to be in vicinity when she's using it. Bright colors, Daddyo. Wear lots of bright colors.
[Spider-Dad] You worry too much, dot. I've set her up a target and I heard her plunking away this afternoon. What color of bird would you like us to shoot for you?

[gravitygirl07.livejournal.com]

I love your icon beyond words.

[ataralas.livejournal.com]

My father and I always longed for one to harass the squirrels in our yard and the chihauhau next door, damn yappy dog...however, my mother rightly pointed out that when one lives on about 1/6th of an acre of land, any sort of gun is a bad idea.

[angledge.livejournal.com]

Stick to slingshots.

[ataralas.livejournal.com]

Acorns are perfect, we found. Collect them in the fall like the squirrels themselves then chuck them at the bastards all summer long.

[sskipstress.livejournal.com]

I lived in a house where 3 deer frequented the back yard. I subletted a room to a hunter. It really bothered him that he couldn't kill the deer in the back yard because the city ordinances prohibited it and the layout of the land meant he couldn't do it without being seen. So he nailed them with a paintball gun. Pink spotted deer. They jump straight up and shriek when they get hit by a paintball.

[ataralas.livejournal.com]

AWESOME!

[scotis-man.livejournal.com]

Thank you for making my day with that story.

You're welcome.

[angledge.livejournal.com]

I live to entertain. And to stay out of the way of my pellet-gun-wielding mother.

[permogod.livejournal.com]

your mom is so cute.. makes me want to hug her :)