Free-range kids.

[angledge]

hotpantsgalore & I have a neighbor, who I will call V*. V* is six years old. She lives with her mom in an apartment near ours. V* is what I call a free-range kid - her mom doesn't keep her under supervision 24 hours a day. She roams around our apartment complex pretty freely - in fact, many would say too freely. Anyway, she's really friendly with me & HPG - OK, the truth is she's in love with Shadeaux. V* was on our balcony the other day & saw another one of our neighbors. She shouted down to her, "Hi Monique! I'm over here playing at Shadeaux's house!" Out of the mouths of babes...

V* will strike up a conversation with anyone & everyone, & she knows a surprisingly high percentage of the folks who live in this complex. However, she does have a disconcerting habit of following people back to their apartments & inviting herself in. She doesn't seem to have any rules on doing this - for example, she tried to invite herself into my next door neighbor's apartment. He's a thirtysomething guy who lives alone. I happen to know he's a completely lovable & totally harmless upstanding citizen, but he could've been a predator. V* makes no distinctions - & she doesn't seem to check back in with her mom before taking off. HPG & I have made a habit of either calling over to V's mom from the balcony ("Hey N*, your daughter's at our place!") or texting her to let her know. But I don't think everyone does this.

V's behavior has caused some fascinating conversations between the residents at my complex. Arguments fly about the proper amount of supervision, the likelihood that V* will end up getting kidnapped, what responsibilities (if any) we have as neighbors to watch over kids or complain to parents. I think it's interesting that just by being around & being the way she is, V* is causing a community to coalesce around her. I know more of my neighbors because V* has introduced us. I've had conversations & exchanged cell phone numbers with several of them so we can work together to keep an eye on her. If it takes a village to raise a child, then I guess I'm being a villager?

HPG & I enjoy V's visits as long as they are kept short. But aspects of them are HILARIOUS. She LOVES Shadeaux, & expresses her love by wrapping Shadeaux in blankets, giving her smothering six-year-old hugs, pulling on her tail, trying to make her do tricks - in short, hassling her. Shadeaux has had to learn to play politely with her & I think it is a great socialization opportunity. But really, I love seeing our puppy getting hassled - it's revenge for all her antics! V* also took care of announcing in no uncertain terms to the whole world the nature of HPG & my relationship when she grabbed a Pride flag off our bookshelf & starting waving it vigorously on the balcony one day. She followed that up with a one-kid Pride parade in the parking lot, marching around with the flag in one hand & Shadeaux's leash in the other.

I'm not a parent, so I am very hesitant to offer strong opinions on child-rearing. That being said, I'm probably more in the free-range camp of child management than the Helicopter Parent camp. My own experience growing up was being left waaaay off-leash, & learning a lot therefore (lessons learned included: Consequences of Arson, How To Walk Two Miles Home on a Twisted Ankle, & Fighting in Small Unarmed Groups). I've heard all the arguments that times have changed, the world is less safe than it was, & yet... I still think that V* is having a happier childhood, roaming around our complex, meeting lots of different kinds of people, trying to teach Shadeaux how to roll over, than she would if she was stuck in front of the TV in a one-bedroom apartment all the time. Yes, being outside puts her at greater risk of getting hit by a car, or drowning in the complex's swimming pool, or - God forbid - getting assaulted by a predator. But how likely are those scenarios - especially since there are eyes on many balconies & ears at many doors that are keeping at least a loose watch on her? I think her mom N* would be smart to teach V* a few rules - don't go into someone's house until your mom has met them & said it's OK seems like a sane limit. And I plan to offer to teach her how to swim, once the water in the pool is warm enough. I've also heard many people giving V* advice on how to approach strange dogs, & now she does it right (quietly, moving slowly, offering hand for a sniff first).

So it's a question of trying to weigh the many small benefits of letting a kid out to experience the world against the frightfully awful - but hopefully very unlikely - possible consequences. It's human nature to focus on horrible things, no matter how improbable they are. It's harder to think about small, daily miracles, like a six-year-old leading a puppy in a Pride parade.

Comments

[lovellama.livejournal.com]

I'm of the Benign Neglect camp. As long as they aren't getting into trouble kids should be out there playing and not having/needing a parent entertain them.

I'm cringing a bit about V wandering in everyone's place, and if I were her mom I would be "networking" the beejebus out of everyone in an attempt to let them know how grateful I was for being the village helping to keep an eye on my kid. But then I remember my wandering with my gang all over the bases I grew up on, having a grand old time...

Go you!!

[angledge.livejournal.com]

Yeah, V* visiting other apartments when no one knows where she is - that's frightening & is probably going too far with the free-range idea. But it could be easily corrected. What gets me is that people go from correcting that problem area to insisting that she needs to be watched by her mom 24-7. Isn't there a happy medium?

[chaosvizier.livejournal.com]

My apologies if this comment makes me sound like a rude asshole; that's not really my intent. I just wish to provide an opinion.

The concept of a 6-yr-old just waltzing into my apartment unchaperoned, uninvited, and unannounced is absolutely unacceptable. I agree that the "free range" child has a good life, outside, moving around, not paralyzed in front of the TV. That is a positive thing. But like anything else, that can be taken too far, and this self-inviting thing is exactly that: WAY TOO FAR.

You cite the obvious example: what if she wanders into someone's apartment, and they happen to be a much less benign individual, and cause her harm? Absolutely, she should be wary of this situation. But what of the reverse? I go home and am followed by a 6-yr-old. She manages to get in a few paces before I ask her to leave. She goes home and says "Mommy, Mr. chaosvizier touched me inappropriately." The witnesses are me and a six year old. The law will bludgeon me senseless. My life will be FOREVER ruined, because no one ever escapes from such an accusation, true or false.

Perhaps that's too extreme a case? Let's try something else. She wanders in to your apartment. You are a kind and benevolent being, and welcome her, and she's not bothering you or causing any damage... until she slips in your kitchen, bangs her head on a countertop, and receives a major injury. Why, hello there, Injury Lawyer! What is this lawsuit you are handing me? Oh, someone was injured on my property? Well, darn!

Her welfare AND the welfare of everyone around her are both at stake. Certainly, encourage a bit of free roaming... IN PUBLIC AREAS. The moment you enter someone's personal property, things change. This may be a regrettable consequence of today's society, but that doesn't change the facts. Back in Ye Olden Days, when the village did raise the child, children died all the time because, hey, that's how it went. No one sued or blamestormed. It was sad, it happened, onward with life. Now? Responsibility is questionable at best.

Free range with caution, V.

We are in agreement here.

[angledge.livejournal.com]

You're absolutely right - the scenarios you suggest are awful possibilities. Until we met N* & confirmed that she was an open-minded liberal person, HPG & I were also worried that someone would start screaming about the lesbian couple "recruiting" a helpless six-year-old girl. We also worried about Shadeaux, who is pretty obviously part pit bull. What if she objected to V* pulling on her tail, & gave her a bite? Would Animal Control come & put down my pet as a dangerous animal?

Now that I've met N*, I feel a lot less worried about this sort of thing. N* is a reasonable, kind person, & I can't quite imagine her suing me. But for added comfort, I checked my renter's insurance policy. Yep, if someone is injured on my property, I have coverage.

I still agree with you that a six-year-old just wandering in to someone's apartment without pre-clearance by her parent is going too far. But I can see easy ways to adjust that behavior to make it safer - as well as less intrusive for the villager/neighbors who are being visited.

A time for boundaries; A time to roam

[(Anonymous)]

Free range is a great concept, but as many concepts go, it can be flawed in its practical applicability. I am the father of a nearly seven year old, which renders me an expert on the subject... :)

We are dear friends with a couple that has such a freerange child (5 but pre-kindergarten). The setting differs though. No predatory dangers (from humans anyway). They live on a river in a relatively rural area. The freerange approach suits them perfectly... that is, until they go into public, at which point it becomes blatantly obvious where the issue lies. The child DOES NOT LISTEN, to his parents or any other adult. Somehow he has gleaned complete disregard for instruction, has no consideration of others, or respect of his elders (can't believe I just said that!)

On the other hand, my son (who I must remind myself is a year older and perhaps that has to do with it) checks in often, will tell of a change in activity or location. He does lean on me for 'entertainment' (as mentioned above) which I enjoy to some extent but sometimes wish he'd just play... like a boy... outside. He is more shy, but copes well with crowds and public situations. He knows to hold hands in a parking lot, not to wander off too far, not to enter another person's home without permission, and to use his 'inside voice' in a restaurant, etc...

Ironically, the two of them make a wonderful ensemble. Did I mention that they are absolute best friends? Together they are adventurous but transparent; daring yet safe; mischievous to a point yet they have a conscious.

If my wife and I take them off to a museum or the like, we spend most of our attention and focus on the 5 year old in an effort to make him adhere to our supervisory standards. (I’m fine until he disturbs other people.) The other couple just loves to take them anywhere and we are bathed with compliments related to our son’s behavior once they return. The thing is our child fills the supervisory role for them much of the time allowing them to take a break from the constant repetition of the 5 year old's name and the eventual raised voices when they cannot gain control otherwise.

Alarmingly, I feel that, at times, the freerange child is an indication of issues in the home that stem from the parents. Often, it is not a conscious decision to raise the child in that manner. It just is what it is: a preoccupied, perhaps overburdened parent; or worse, a depressed, ill, or addict/alcoholic parent.

As with most parenting issues it is extremely hard to isolate the variables. Much of these differences could just be personality, age difference, differences in their respective levels of socialization (as one is a 1st grader at a public school and the other has never attended school or daycare).

My opinion with regard to the freerange concept is somewhere in the middle. Once boundaries are established and a child has learned to respect other peoples’ wishes, then by all means turn'em loose. I think that if one lays ground rules early and then DECIDES to take a more freerange approach, the result will be an outstanding, self reliant child.

Thanks to all the villagers helping out and may those children who need you not irritate you or step on your rights to privacy or enjoyment.

Re: A time for boundaries; A time to roam

[angledge.livejournal.com]

Great comment; who is this?

Re: A time for boundaries; A time to roam

[(Anonymous)]

Nick Can

[tweeti.livejournal.com]

If you want my opinion, and I don't see why you would, but if you did, I think it's a great thing you are doing and I think that the kid is so lucky. She is lucky to be able to roam and meet so many different people and to learn about the differences between people. It goes a long way towards cutting down on ignorance for lack of a better way of putting it and it goes an even longer way of teaching love.

[angledge.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your opinion. I always appreciate comments on my posts!

Free-ranging

[(Anonymous)]

My sister and I were also free-range as kids in Washington DC. We hung out with the neighborhood gang, like lots of other posters have mentioned. And like Ang we learned important lessons like How to Play Spin the Bottle, Setting Fire to Aerosol Cans, and Making Hidey Holes Under Abandoned Cars. We all knew to never approach a stranger's car and we looked out for each other. The safety of numbers is the key. In V's case, the watchful neighbors have partially replaced the safety of a gang kids. She probably is more at risk from a sexual predator, but then again, she's probably not playing with fire.

Re: Free-ranging

[angledge.livejournal.com]

Thanks Hawk! Your last sentence points out something important: every choice you make to protect the child from one threat possibly raises their exposure to another. If V's mom decided to keep her inside all the time, V* would be more likely to end up obese. If she played in a big gang of kids, she might get bullied or become a bully. Every path has its risks - that's just life.

[ataralas.livejournal.com]

I don't worry much about dangers to V (presumably your pool is fenced; if it isn't THAT'S the biggest danger) since the world is NOT less safe that it was twenty or forty years ago. I certainly had, at six, free roam of my block (no crossing streets, that came at eight), and knew many of the people who lived around me, as did my parents. And particularly as an apartment kid, having space to get out is great for her.

I think the issue is more about learning to interact with other humans politely. Which is to say, I'm really, really not into people of any age inviting themselves to my home. And I know that I, at least, as a six year old, was not so up on the signals people give that you're outlasting your welcome, nor was I really up on the "other person's house, other person's rules" thing. And I do think it's incumbent primarily on parents to incubate those social skills.

Which is all to say, if it were me, I probably wouldn't let her into my apartment, but that has very little to do with her being six and a lot more to do with my instincts about my home, but I would definitely be keeping a general eye on her and not worrying about dangers.

[angledge.livejournal.com]

The pool is fenced & has a child-proof gate. However, I have heard of at least one instance where V* followed someone through the gate & then got stuck in there by herself. That scared me.

I agree that inviting yourself inside is, plainly speaking, rude. I also suspect that it is a NEW behavior, because even in the day or two since I posted this blog, V* has changed her script at the front door. Now she comes over & says, "Could I please come over & play for only 15 minutes?" Clearly, someone has told her to ask permission to come in, & also not to overstay her welcome. Lessons are being learned.

[ataralas.livejournal.com]

Yeah, having been a lifeguard, children unattended around pools is a big fear for me. I mean, we pulled out at least one kid per week over the course of the summer. I think your plan to teach her to swim is great; water safety is important!

I'm glad it seems like her socialization is improving. I think that makes it easier all around.

[d4b.livejournal.com]

Much in the same way that normal exposure to dirt and "germs" helps build one's immune system, I think what you're describing here is a kid who is far less likely to run into predator-type issues than one who's used to living in a shell. She's clearly adding value to the community, and is learning how to socialize with a wider variety of people. She's more likely to know how to handle herself, plus the true predators make a point to avoid both community and those who can interact well.

[angledge.livejournal.com]

For the most part, I agree with you.

[fuxipose.livejournal.com]

Very intereresting reading. thx