Ang's Journal

Des harbors an intense dislike for a National Park Service bureaucrat with the unlikely name of Brian Ullensvang, who we work with on a project that we're doing for the Presidio. Brian is not our client. Unfortunately, he has veto-power over reports we submit to the Presidio - a power that he delights in using. Last week, Des sent me an email regarding Brian's criticisms of our latest report (a lake remediation scheme), which Des opened with a highly amusing rant:

Once again the protagonists gather around the storied lake, a bucolic oasis and dog-walkers haven set within the bustling metropolis. Amidst empty entreaties of environmental remediation and habitat restoration, a bitter and pedantic feud festers between the National Park Service's legions of hell, and the sorry minions of URS. Separated from their floating holiday, the minions must endure even more Machiavellian evil from the sinister Ullensvang - a [*] bureacratic droid of immense rancour. The client, impotent: unable to respond to the self-aggrandizing, Kafkesque intrigues of Ullensvangian pedantry, rely instead upon a failed policy of appeasement - like Chamberlain before them.

"I have here a memorandum-of-understanding from Chancellor Herr Ullensvang - there will be no clapper rails in Mountain Lake!"

Hollow words from hollow men who lack the testicular horsepower to dethrone the arch ghoul from his illicit throne.

But - I refuse to become embittered or disillusioned.

Added funny: I never received this email in its original form. This is because the original form included the word "penis-less" where the [*] is. The word "penis" tripped the humorless URS corporate firewall & the email was deleted.

Dispatch from DesWorld #3.

Dispatch from DesWorld #5.

And Happy Earth Day, everyone.

On Thursday, I was complaining to Des about some maps he’d had me produce for a project. "Des," I grumbled, "these maps aren’t even to scale!"

"They don’t need a scale. Just print them out, all right?" he replied.

"But Des, in our contract, we said we were going to follow the ASTM standard for this report. And the ASTM standard specifies scaled maps!"

"Oh, tish-tosh! We say a lot of things."

So there you have it: contractual language is null & void. WTF does "tish-tosh" mean, anyway?

Dispatch from DesWorld #1.

Dispatch from DesWorld #3.

My manager is a crazy Englishman named Des. And I do mean crazy. One small example: he's given all of us fighter pilot names, which he uses in preference to our real names. In case you're wondering, I'm Alpha Lemur. He's Chowder. I usually call him Mr. Chowder, to maintain a properly respectful employer-employee relationship.

I mentioned to Des today that I'm considering holding a Robert Burns supper at Chateau Greyskull (I haven't told him the name of my house yet; I'm afraid it would only lead to me being assigned a new fighter pilot name, most likely She-Ra). He said, "Well if you do have one, you should incorporate spiders into the decor. I remember an anecdote from primary school regarding Robert Burns, that once when he was trapped in a cave he saw a spider climbing up a thread, & it inspired him to continue his struggles no matter what the odds."

"That was Robert the Bruce, not Robert Burns," I replied. "Robert the Bruce was a king of Scotland in the 14th century. Robert Burns was a drunken Scottish poet from much later."

"Indeed he was, Alpha Lemur. But you did not let me complete my thought. You see, I am envisioning a combined theme party, with elements of poetry, drinking, spiders, kingship, Sassanach-whacking, history, & perhaps polecat-hunting, in a fantastic tapestry spanning centuries of Scottish history. Alpha Lemur ... you need to start thinking outside of the box."

And with that he spun on his heel & marched into his office. With my stapler. He steals my stapler at least three times a week. He's also a pen thief.

Edit: This post is now officially designated DesWorld Dispatch #0.

DesWorld Dispatch #0.5.